This story dates back to 1996 when a 16-year-old, Thordis Elva from Iceland met the 18-year-old Tom Stranger from Australia. The duo met and started dating but everything changed when Thordis was raped by Tom, her then boyfriend.
Since then, years have passed and their relationship, yes the survivor and the attacker’s, has taken many turns. It started when nine years after the rape, Thordis wrote a letter to Tom and received one, full of regret. Now, the two have shared a stage to give a TED talk on their story of ‘rape and reconciliation.’
Thordis, who couldn’t come to terms with it for the longest time, sent chills down our spine when she explained her ordeal.
“Despite limping for days and crying for weeks, this incident didn’t fit my ideas about rape like I’d seen on TV. Tom wasn’t an armed lunatic; he was my boyfriend. And it didn’t happen in a seedy alleyway, it happened in my own bed.
I was raised in a world where girls are taught that they get raped for a reason. Their skirt was too short, their smile was too wide, their breath smelled of alcohol. And I was guilty of all of those things, so the shame had to be mine. It took me years to realise that only one thing could have stopped me from being raped that night, and it wasn’t my skirt, it wasn’t my smile, it wasn’t my childish trust. The only thing that could’ve stopped me from being raped that night is the man who raped me – had he stopped himself.”
The talk was poignant furthermore when Tom expressed his psyche, of how he was foolish to not term it as ‘rape’ but only sex. The concept of consent never bothered him, only until later.
“The word ‘rape’ didn’t echo around my mind as it should’ve, and I wasn’t crucifying myself with memories of the night before. It wasn’t so much a conscious refusal, it was more like any acknowledgement of reality was forbidden. To be honest, I repudiated the entire act in the days afterwards and when I was committing it. I disavowed the truth by convincing myself it was sex and not rape. And this is a lie I’ve felt spine-bending guilt for.”
The duo partnered for the show in 2016 after 8 eight years of writing to each other and nearly 20 years after that dire night. And going by the reactions, their act of closure has made sense to a lot of people who expressed their agreement to, ‘darkness can not heal darkness.’
That isn’t it, Thordis and Tom have also co-authored a book called, ‘South of Forgiveness’ that speaks about how the society should stop treating sexual violence as a women’s issue.
Watch their entire TED show talk here:
If I may, I’ll leave the counter-comments to you. Let us know how you feel about it!
