Marriage is a blissful union that involves having each other’s back, in sickness and in health, until someone forgets to replace the toilet paper roll or when your partner is 3 episodes ahead of you in Game of Thrones. The couples who find quirks and humor amidst the bumps of married life are most likely the ones to stay the course. There’s even a study that confirms it, along with the people who made it to our compilation below.
Here are some hilarious tweets, put together by The Elite Indian, that paint the perfect picture of the irony of marital bliss.
My wife wanted two kittens but I am the man in this house so we got two kittens
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) January 17, 2015
Newlyweds: “I love resting my head on your chest and hearing your heart beat as I drift off to sleep.”
Married 15 years: “I recorded you snoring so you can hear how fucking loud it is.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 17, 2018
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015
“Never have I been so mad at my wife before.”
My husband is home sick from work today and it's like having one thousand babies.
— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) December 15, 2014
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… Were you fired??
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 26, 2015
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 3, 2016
“My girlfriend is always complaining about the toilet seat. Today I came home to this:”
At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets
— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012
Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things.
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) February 10, 2016
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
I'm at the level of marriage where "getting lucky tonight" just means we're having tacos for dinner.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 27, 2015
— Pej A. (@pazarm) January 8, 2016
Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out.
— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016
"So. When did you break the toaster?!"
— ReeseButCallMeV (@ReeseButCallMeV) January 21, 2016
Claiming your child as yours when he does all the good things. When he does something awful suddenly it's "your son"…#MarriedPeopleIssues
— Tina Dean (@secretsquirre40) January 12, 2016
That moment when you look at the love of your life and think "I'd really like to punch you in the face right now!" #MarriedPeopleIssues
— Rebecca Leverington (@R_Leverington) August 6, 2016
— Ritika Prasad (@ritzyfiery) May 8, 2018
There apparently is a wrong way to stack ice cube trays in the freezer. #MarriedPeopleIssues
— Out Kicked My Coverage🥃 (@CoachEgghead) January 13, 2016
Wife: "You're a 50-year-old baby."
Me: "You *know* I'm only 49."#MarriedPeopleIssues
— Matthew McQueen (@mcqueenfornm) October 24, 2016
When your husband is 3 seasons ahead of you in GoT & he bans you from the room while he watches the new season … #marriedpeopleproblems
— Angela Thomas (@ROHSapPSYCH) April 26, 2016
My husband changes the channel then leaves the room #marriedpeopleproblems
— YourMom (@zayyumm) May 19, 2014
How am I supposed to sleep in bed alone? Where the hell do my arms go? #MarriedPeopleProblems
— Paul Hofnagel (@Hofnagel) December 20, 2014
Bonus: A happy marriage tip!
Successful marriages are ones where spouses balance each other out, like yin and yang.
Take mine for example, I’m always right, and my husband is always wrong. Balance.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 24, 2018
What marital issues did we miss out on mentioning above? Feel free to share them with us in the comment box below.
Preview photo credit dafloydsta / twitter